I will never dress my daughter in pink…and other stupid shit I said before becoming a mama

Before I had my daughter, I said a lot of stupid sh*t about being a parent. I judged others on their parenting skills and made bold, frankly ridiculous statements about how I was going to parent when I had zero experience of being one…

I will never dress my daughter in pink

I’m not a generally a huge fan of pink but if you have a daughter and you are bought gifts you will have to accept that they will probably be pink. Gender stereotyping is alive and kicking in 2016 so you will do well to avoid it.

My child won’t be one of those clingy children

To be honest, she’s not that clingy but when she is, I bloody love it. She’s seven months old, FFS- she’s meant to be clingy. It would be weird if she wasn’t.

My child won’t have a dummy
We would have folded pretty early on this one if she hadn’t rejected anything apart from boob for the first six months of her life. Life is hard when the only thing that soothes your baby is being breastfed and I longed for something to placate her so I could have a short rest. So when she finally accepted a dummy at six months we were over the moon. Yes, we gave her a dummy after six months. Zero. F**ks. Given.

Of course I’m coming back to work full time

…not. a. f*cking. chance. Four days. Maybe.

Roll on after I have the baby and I can get back on the drink!

Rookie mistake thinking that you can just slip back into your old lifestyle. Hangovers + Baby = World of pain.

I won’t stick my child in front of a TV or iPad

My daughter is seven months old and I’m pretty sure she knows the passcode on my iphone. OK, so that’s not strictly true but she does love watching ‘In the night garden’ on the iPad. The halluciongenic colours and tunes chill her out and 15mins downtime with the digital nanny here and there can be sanity-saving when you need to get things done or calm down a hysterical child who has cried non-stop on a five-hour car journey from Newcastle to Cardiff.

The baby won’t sleep in our bed

We lasted about three weeks before she slept in our bed. Breastfeeding is so much easier when you learn how to do it lying down and we invested in a Sleepyhead which made cosleeping easier and safer. We didn’t 100% cosleep- she probably slept one night a week with us and now I have stopped breastfeeding and she is settled in her own room it’s probably down to a couple of times a month. It would be more if I had my way- I bloody love it.
My child will have a strict routine from birth

It’s taken six months of bath-book-bed to get my daughter into any sort of routine. Whilst I believe its true that kids do actually like routine, trying to get a newborn baby into a routine is madness. I spent hours in a darkened room trying to get a baby who was wide awake to go to sleep. Long stressful, wasted hours when I should have just relaxed the ‘routine’ and chilled out.

The baby will go into her own room at six weeks

Not sure who I was trying to impress with this statement but what a load of bollocks. Truely ridiculous. Even the official guidance says children should sleep in their parents bedrooms until six months. My daughter went in her own room at four months purely because we thought that she would get a better nights sleep in her own room and it was right- she was ready. Six weeks… sheesh who was I kidding.

My child will only ever eat healthy food

My daughter has already tried…chips, chocolate, ice cream and steak. Admittedly she didn’t get far with the steak-being as she has no teeth and that. Don’t get me wrong, she doesn’t eat these things every week and she has an ridiculously healthy and varied diet that would give Hamster-faced, poo-prober Gillian McKeith (Christ, I’m showing my age here- where the hell is she these days anyway?!) a run for her money but I believe allowing children to try new things is healthy. Personally, I think you need to teach your kids to make healthy decisions and not deprive them of new things, experiences and food groups.

A baby won’t change our lifestyle-They’ll fit in around us

Seriously, who even says this? Someone that has zero experience of kids thats who. I don’t do anything that I used to do. Nothing. Children don’t just slot into your lifestyle. They dominate it, like tiny, little bald dictators and you willingly submit to them. Seven months on our lifestyle is a million miles away from our old life and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

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